Why real neglect comes from Helicopter parenting.

Recently I posted on Facebook about an incident that occurred in our neighborhood with one of our heli-neighbours. Heli-neighbour because she and her husband are not only almost always within view of their children but they are almost always hovering and providing input of the behaviour of other children's behaviour. Which on the surface may seem like prudent parenting but I would like to propose a slightly different perspective. To do so I will give an example of what I mean.

Helicopter mom comes over to our property to instruct a small group of boys ages 4-13 not to wrestle "cause things can escalate too fast and someone might get hurt. Just be gentle..."  Helicopter mom then walks back to her home. Not 2 minutes later one of her son's punches another boy in the face for no reason. My first reaction is to whisper under my breath "your freaking kidding me!" But almost immediately I understood why, her children are incapable of play fighting because they are so controlled that they have no ability for self control? Truth be told many of us at some point have hovered, particularly us moms. Think about  it. How many times do we descend upon our bickering children and command that they smarten up or we will doll out the consequences, and then do. We are all, at some point, guilty of trying to control situations so as to avoid that annoying fight, the hurt feelings, or worse the hurt and maybe even bruised and bloody body. But are we perhaps not hurting more by meddling? Worth considering.

There is nothing like natural consequences often times to teach children, no amount of hovering can replace that. I am not advocating a free for all, nor savagery, but having children has taught me that, to a large extent, they are empiricists who need to test hypotheses before arriving at the proper conclusions. I have noticed this in particularly with our boys. My husband has often told the boys that if they wanted to get rough that is fine but each had to suck it up if they got hurt or everyone involved would have to deal with his consequences. They eventually learned boundaries and that some things were just dumb to do to an older sibling who is stronger and faster then they are. Of course this is an ongoing learning process and considering we still have a four year old with older siblings it will continue to go on for some time yet. We get involved if necessary, but often they are able to work it out with little involvement from us. We have a duty as parents to instill in our children the underlying principles of being kind, fair, respectful of others, etc. In other words to be good citizens at home so they will become good citizens when they are out on their own. But they will only really make those principles their own when allowed to put them to the test. It's called life! And sometimes it hurts like heck and there is no way around that reality.

I think our culture has brainwashed us to think that if you don't watch your child's every move you are a bad parent. Child psychologists and social workers have sold many on the nonsense that we must prevent conflict and shield our children from "bullying" at all costs, even if that cost is the damage to their ability to protect and stand up for themselves. As a result we are obsessed with having our child fit a mould that exists only in the imagination of so called child psychologists and social workers. It comes from spending way too much time watching and examining our children rather than just letting them take the skills we teach them and run with them.

Here comes the part that I expect to get some flack for, I think moms tend to be more likely to want to interfere in squabbles and even big conflicts that we are probably not meant to interfere in. This is a generalization that clearly does not apply to all moms. I do think that some of what we are seeing today with men who just won't man up and take responsibility comes from households that either have no dads or that have fathers who are there but who have checked out. Yes we often read and hear stories of those great men whose moms pushed them to be the men who they have become, and those men are good men, but I think without exception, these are moms who understood that in the absence of a father they had to step back and to a large extent let their boys fall down and pick themselves up. 

A while ago I had a very uncomfortable discussion with my husband about my interference in a dispute between him and our eldest son. I witnessed my son being reprimanded for failing to fulfill his obligation to complete a task for his father. I heard the tail end of the reprimand and felt that the punishment did not suit the crime. I talked to my husband later about this and he got, justifiably, annoyed. Why? I thought it was reasonable that as the mom I should have some say in how the young man was disciplined, which on the surface seems fair....right? What I failed to see, not only on this occasion but on many others, was that by interfering I was robbing my son of the opportunity to a) learn that his actions have consequences that are sometimes unfair and hey that is life my friend, but most importantly b) that my interference was robing my son of an opportunity to man up and confront his father and make his own case, no matter the consequences. When my husband implied the latter point to me by telling me that my interference was in a way emasculating my son I was furious and indignant! How dare he make such an accusation? What made me angriest though was that deep down I knew that there was more than a grain of truth to his comment. 

Now there is a time when mama's love and protection is necessary. However eventually we need to let that innate instinct to protect give way to a less natural but equally necessary need to let them get hurt. For a mom it can be hellish, but it is absolutely necessary, particularly for boys! In the end what is more neglectful, leaving your child to their own devices, within reason of course, or being there to try to prevent every little hurt to the point of making them incapable of facing challenges and deal with pain and failure? 

There is one area where parents need to be in total control, the one area where today's parents are either clueless or incompetent, and that is the virtual world. Parents are so busy protecting their children from natural consequences and normal day to day dangers that they have missed the greater soul robbing danger of computer gaming and Internet porn. But that is for another post.

Pax Christi!