Maternity a woman's charism or a woman's burden?

I am a 45 year old mother of seven souls, one whom, God willing, we will meet sometime at the beginning of May. This summer I had the opportunity to go back to work outside the home after over twelve years of being a full time stay at home mom. It was an interesting experience, not altogether negative and in some ways rather relaxing. This of course surprised me as I expected that our whole world would collapse, the children would be miserable, and Dad would be frustrated and irritable. In the end, however, we would survive but not without some casualties.

To clarify a little our eldest daughter is a very capable, rather dictatorial, caregiver who took charge and made sure that everyone was doing their part and that meals if not cooked by the time I got home were at least prepped and ready for cooking. On the days that she was not in charge of this my husband would cook. All in all everyone pulled together and all was well that ended well. Bare in mind that this was a one month experience, everyone knew that this was only to be one month long, and my husband was home holding down the fort while I was at the office. My days were not ridiculously long, and the children and I knew that if something were to happen I could be home in fifteen to twenty minutes to deal with it, with the full support of my temporary boss. A more than ideal situation to say the least.

The little ones missed me, but knew I would be home and I made sure to spend time just hanging with them and cuddling when they wanted. Sounds perfect does it not? Sounds like the world our feminist sisters promised for us decades ago. Well the problem with it, and it is not an insignificant one, came to me one day while I was sitting in my quiet little office, wondering what my family was up to while I was in the office…..

The problem is this, this is not reality! This is not the real world! Children need their mums at home for them, they need them nagging them to clean their rooms, eat their lunches, pick up their toys, and to stop picking on each other. They need mummy to kiss their owes, or to remind them to suck it up butter cup! Sure big sister can do it, Dad is quite capable of stepping in and doing it, but neither of them is mum.

For as long as I’ve been a mum, I’ve heard the notion of “me time” flung at me time and again. I might be on the phone with a friend complaining about how tired I am, how frustrated with the lack of cooperation, constant nagging, constant bickering, and the old “you need some me time” would come up. And sure enough I would buy into to it and find a way to take off and have some me time. The problem I discovered quite quickly, and rediscovered this summer, is in fact there is never really enough me time. Now don’t get me wrong I do think that it is perfectly acceptable for mum to take some time in the day, close a door, send the little ones outside, or downstairs, take a walk or run, and just be. Have a quiet moment with God, in prayer, to help remind us of our hugely blessed and important our vocation. But to me that is quite different than taking time for ME! You see we are by nature very selfish creatures, and because of this selfishness the more we indulge ourselves, put ourselves first, the less interested we become in putting others first. And being a mother is by definition putting others first.

So as I sat in this quiet office I began to see the appeal that working outside the home has for so many women today. In a culture that measures success by how much others acknowledge it, in a culture that encourages feeding self first, cause if you are not happy how can you make others happy, it is completely consistent that women would feel more satisfied working outside the home than inside the home. Why not run away to a world where there are no children with poopy diapers, runny noses, whining, bickering, demanding of you all day long? Why would any woman, especially an educated woman, want to simply stay home with that, when the world gives her permission to run away from it, and hand over her charges to some stranger (for the most part) to do those mundane, thankless things while she goes off and lives that other life. The life where people say thank you, job well done, you are amazing, what would we do without you…..etc. In this life while you are informed when you make mistakes, you are rewarded with great praise and maybe even a raise when you get it right. The fantasy world that lets you think that you are great, feeds your ego, and you get paid for it too. Is it wrong to want to be appreciated? Is it wrong to yearn for affirmation from others in what you do, and by extension who you are? Are there consequences to fulfilling the above that dwarf the perceived rewards?

How about abdicating your vocation to care for, nurture, form, and support the young souls in your care? Should we consider the harm that this may cause our children, our families, our communities? Not in a world where self sacrifice has been replaced with self fulfilment. Not in a world where self esteem is more important than giving of self. And what kind of adults do our children become when the main examples in their lives have been examples of me first? How on earth are we supposed to teach our children, who are naturally all about ME, to put brother/sister, neighbour, colleague, country, wife, and eventually their own children, first? What kind of community is built on me, myself and I? Can you just imagine if the sole motivator in the world was self how many Mother Theresa’s, Ghandi’s, Oscar Schindler’s, Karol Wojtyla’s, Steven Biko’s, and the list goes on, there would have been? Imagine what a duller, uglier world it would be.

The trouble with leaving the home everyday to go elsewhere is that over time it creates a schism between mom and child. Mom loses sight of what her role is and even grows more and more resentful to time and demands being placed on her. So what does the response become? In some cases to just give up, and give in. Children learn to manipulate to get what they want, and to get out of what they need to be doing. They wear mum down. Now mum’s can get worn down whether they work outside the home or not, but they become more susceptible to it when they are away from home more.

Alice von Hildebrand in her book “The privilege of being a woman” reminds us that womanhood is a gift. She explains that womanhood and motherhood are inseparable, that “women, without exception, are called upon to be mothers.” (Pg. 95-96) In other words all women are called to “turn to the helpless, to incline lovingly and helpfully to every small and weak thing upon the earth.” Those of us who have been Blessed with the gift of being able to mother souls who have come through us, who have been Blessed with the gift of being active participants in God’s creative process, who have been Blessed with the gift of being the bearers of two souls for a time, and who reject this gift for the sake of personal glorification and self-indulgent gratification, at the expense of our duties as nurturers, caregivers, and helpers, have harmed our families, our communities, and our very own souls.

That being said I very keenly understand that there are those women who have no choice but to go out into the work force, who have been left with the task of being both mother and father to their children. I do not wish to confuse such cases with those women who leave their children in the care of others, who reject the great gift and responsibility to be the primary formatters of souls in this world in order to better fulfil themselves. To seek to obtain more status, more wealth, and more things at the expense of the greatest responsibility a woman will ever have, that of real motherhood, is a travesty, an abomination, a sad fact of so many career women today.
"The Church sees in the face of women the reflection of a beauty which mirrors the loftiest sentiments of which the human heart is capable: the self-offering totality of love; the strength that is capable of bearing the greatest sorrows; the limitless fidelity and tireless devotion to work; the ability to combine penetrating intuition with words of support and encouragement."-JPII